Daybreak | IC Inbox.

[awooligan]

CLIFFORD NORMAN
UN: REDRIDINGHOODIE

STATUS: grade 11

ACCOLADES: n/a.

BIO: name's cliff. let me know if you'll buy cigarettes and shit for me, we can work something out.

© TESSISAMESS

Comments

[kept_his_letters]

It's not nothing.

[Her voice almost sounds sharp there. Almost like Mamá's. But she doesn't have Mamá's ability to hold so strong like that.]

I'm just wondering if they know about it. If you talked about it too. If it's going to stop happening, since you don't have to hide anymore.

[awooligan]

[His jaw tightens a little, but it's far better than flinching away like he wants to. He expected her to fight back on it, this time. That's his saving grace. He wants to deflect again, but he's too tired and achey, and she's too sweet and stubborn. He doesn't think he could get away with it for long. Instead, he watches her until he feels steady enough to take a deep inhale and shake his head.]

Yeah.

[There's so much more he wanted to say -- well, wanted was a strong word -- but the words don't come. The old standby comes out instead, adapted but dull.]

It wasn't a big deal.

[kept_his_letters]

It was. And it still is.

[Her expression softens.]

But I'm glad it's over. You didn't deserve that. And don't you dare tell me you did.

Wait here, okay?

[She walks off. She's heading for the common room kitchens, digging up and ice pack to bring with her and something to drink too. Water would be wise but they're teenagers and she grabs what looks like the most sugary drink in the fridge. She's soon back and delivering both to Cliff. This time her smile is a little more genuine.]

[awooligan]

[When she doesn't push and gives him space, his shoulders lose some of their tension. It doesn't feel good that she's leaving, but he manages to tell himself that she's not leaving leaving, and she doesn't really have somewhere to go at this hour anyway. After a pause, he accepts her offerings.]

Thanks.

[He stares at the ice pack, a little like he's not sure what to do with it. It's been years since he used one, and even then it had just felt like a heavy reminder of everything that was spiraling out of control and he couldn't understand. He didn't much like the feeling, even if it's supposed to help the hurt. He awkwardly sets it on the back of the sofa to crack open the soda instead. Sugar good. The fact that she's looking at him less like he's a pitiable hound at the pound is good, too.]

I don't get how you sound like you got it all figured out when... [No one else did.

Even now, he doesn't think they know the extent of it, really... That's how it was supposed to be. He'd been handling it, in his own way, because it was something he decided he could handle. It wasn't supposed to be anyone's problem but his.

What he really doesn't understand is how someone like her notices him at all.]

Don't talk to them about it, okay? It doesn't matter, and they shouldn't think about it more than they have to.

[kept_his_letters]

[She laughs, soft and a little sad.]

Do I sound that way? I don't feel like it.

[She goes to sit on her floor, letting her back rest against the arm of the couch. He'll be able to lay down, if he wants. She draws her knees up, still wearing her clothes from the day.]

... I'm not going to talk to Kevin. I'm sure it's hard enough. Everyone's got a lot to think about.

[She won't promise not speaking to Cliff's Mother.]

But if you keep saying it doesn't matter I might have to shake you.

[awooligan]

[Cliff is trying to figure out how to bug her into sitting on the couch, but when he grips the edge of it and leans over to her, it isn't what's on his mind anymore. There's much more important things to worry about. He noticed the deliberate absence of his mom in the promise.]

Coco, no. My mom's already worrying enough about it. What if she thinks I told you, when I couldn't even tell her?

[kept_his_letters]

You didn't. You didn't tell me anything. You still haven't.

[She leans her head back, looking at him. Her dark hair, loose from her braids, sweeps back. She hops her words don't sound accusing.]

What if it works out fine? Everything else did.

[She sighs.]

She's a Mom Cliff. Your Mom. She's going to ask me. She's worrying already and she's probably hurt and she can handle it. She'd rather do that than be kept in the dark. I'd bet you 5 pesos.

[awooligan]

[He shakes his head fervently, though he's quick to stop with a wince. He's used to the pain and vague detached feeling from the blows to his head, but the extra ache it adds to his neck is new. The guilt he feels doesn't help, either.]

Why are you making this a big deal? I'm fine! She already knows I made her happy family implode, so she doesn't need you giving her crap about it!

[kept_his_letters]

[She pulls a sharp breath. Her eyes close, bracing as he shouts. She tries to keep her voice measured.]

He hit you. Your stepfather beat you. Often enough your family thought you got into fights.

[He confirmed it at last with that, but putting it to words feels like breaking something.]

You're not the one who ruined things. Why aren't you making it a big deal?

[awooligan]

[It's weird, he thinks, how her saying it makes everything hurt that much worse. He falls back to put his head on the back of the couch again, his eyebrows furrowing as he closes his eyes. He doesn't have an answer for her, just a shaky breath.

It's fine.

It's not a big deal.

Don't worry about it.

It doesn't matter.

She hasn't listened to any of them, and he doesn't know why when he said the words with ease time after time. For a while it had felt like a lie, but at some point it just became natural, and more true the more he said it. If she didn't let him say it and leave it at that... What the hell was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to defend himself, without those words? Everything's falling apart again, including him, and hates it.]

[kept_his_letters]

[Her face softens. She looks over at him, a knot of guilt twisting in her guts to make him look this way. But she's not backing down.]

I know you're worried. But you can trust me. I promise.

[She won't say it'll be okay. Things could fall apart as easily as Cliff's mother giving that man another chance. But... she doesn't think that will happen.


She turns her gaze up and closes her eyes. She starts to hum a song that slips in and out of her mind.]

[awooligan]

[It's comforting, but he hates that, too. He was supposed to be able to do this. It was just his life, and people weren't supposed to pay attention to him or how he lived it. Everyone was happier that way.

Eventually the tremble when his breathes goes away, but he's begun to hold himself tightly in an unconscious effort to further soothe himself and repair his defenses. He lets his eyes open again, though his lids are heavy and it feels unnatural just to gaze half-lidded at the corner where the wall and ceiling met.]

She's a good mom. [Cliff's voice is much quieter, now, depleted along with everything else, maybe.] It's not her fault she didn't know. There's a lot of things I didn't tell her.

[kept_his_letters]

[Coco nods. Her song ends and cliff speaks, quiet, yet still clear in the quiet night.]

No, it's not her fault. She seems good.

[That she agrees with.]

She flew all this way just for you. She must love you a lot.

[awooligan]

Yeah.

[The knot in his stomach starts to unwind with the confirmation that Coco wasn’t going into this talk with blame already set in her mind. His mom was dealing with enough, she must be so hurt and worried, and she didn’t need some teenage friend of her son’s she doesn’t even know judging her and making her feel worse about it.

Cliff swallows hard, and picks his forgotten soda back up to try getting rid of the lingering tightness. It all felt weirdly...shameful. It’s so different than the burning anger he usually had in the aftermath of Carl’s violence. Maybe he’s just too tired for it, after the disaster that’s been the last couple days.]

...I’m sorry I got mad at you. I know you just want to help.

[kept_his_letters]

It's alright. You've had a rough time.

[A bit of a good in there but still.]

I don't want to meddle. It's your life and I'm just some girl. But I didn't like it.

[awooligan]

[Just some girl... He takes another drink, then stares down into the opening.]

It shouldn’t matter so much. You didn’t have to care. [Even if it was something he didn’t like, either. He’d hated it for much longer than she knew.] I’m just some guy.

[kept_his_letters]

You're wrong.

[She looks to meet his eyes.]

No one should have to hurt like that. I had to care.

[awooligan]

[He immediately averts his gaze away out of habit. She isn't...wrong, so why does it feel like he needs to protest this more? ]

He's a liar and an asshole, even when I wasn't doing anything wrong, and not having anything to do with him anymore is pretty much one of the best things that could have happened to me... But it was never more than I could handle. It was fine until now.

[kept_his_letters]

[Now, she looks away too. She sits quietly for a moment.]

... Mamá never cried, when he left. Not in front of anyone. She'd make herself busy, she'd get mad, she'd just refuse to be sad about it. If the hurt was out of the way, she could handle it. I think she's the strongest person in the world... but she didn't handle it.

She didn't want to be sad. So she decided not to be. She pretended she wasn't hurt and that it didn't exist. But she wasn't fine. If she was, we would have had music. If she was, she wouldn't need to pretend and hide at all. I wouldn't have to pretend I never heard her, what she sounded like when she thought she was alone.

[Her chin rests down upon her knees.]

You can go a long time, pretending it's not there. But when you finally look, it's always uglier than if you just looked in the first place. Especially if you can't go back to pretending anymore.

[awooligan]

[With attention safely off him, he peeks back over. He doesn't know what to say, and he can't reach out to pat her head or rest his hand on her shoulder in order to comfort her or let her know he understood what it was she was telling him. Maybe he needs his barriers, or maybe he's just used to doing nothing. He wants to...but he can't. Even with how deeply he trusts her, now.

So he doesn't, because she doesn't need to know just how weird and personal it was for him to be the wolf but still feel what it would have been like if he weren't shifted, how indistinguishable touch would be so that petting the wolf was the same as running a hand through his hair or stroking along his back. Cliff just holds his breath and tentatively nudges his nose into her hair above her ear. No sound, and no awkward moment of being in between, because there was no in between. He's just here as the wolf, and grateful beyond words that she's there, too.]

[kept_his_letters]

[She blinks at the feeling of... something in her hair. Not a hand. But then...?

She turns her head and her eyes widen. She does look afraid. She looks surprised. She looks on him with a hint of wonder.

She turns, shifting on her knees to face the couch where the wolf sits. She reaches out slow, careful, as she touches the fur on the wolf's face, where his cheek would be. She smooths a hand through the fur on his head, between his ears.

And then, her arms go up and wrap around and she hugs him close.]

[awooligan]

[It's weird, so indescribably weird, and scary, too. He barely keeps himself from flinching away completely as she reaches for him, or shuddering at her touch. The wolf had the same injuries, but more than that...hands reaching for him, even to comfort, wasn't something he'd come to love, for obvious reasons. He can't keep his ears from lowering, a signal of his discomfort with the situation, but he doesn't protest the hug. Leans into it, just a little. God knows he needs it right now.]

[kept_his_letters]

[She feels selfish, terribly selfish, for even though she sees the folding back of his ears, she still wants to hold him anyway. She misses her family. She misses him. She aches for Cliff and she pities her own stupid self. She needs to hold on, at least for a little bit.

She rubs her hand over his back a little, then starts to pull away. There's a faint smile on her face.]

You really are soft after all.

...Thanks.

[awooligan]

[Well, shit. He can’t exactly shift back now and have her see how hard he’s blushing both from her actions and her words. Instead he leans to get a little more space before resting his chin down.]

Don’t worry about it. I feel like I should be thanking you, anyway.

[He speaks, not like Tobias where the words were almost felt more than heard, but with his mouth the same as if he were human. He sounds the same, too.]

But, uh. Let’s maybe keep all that between us. I don’t want other people thinking they’re allowed to pet me, or something.

[Plus the whole, you know, not wanting people to know what he was thing.]

[kept_his_letters]

[It surprises her visibly when he speaks, just as plainly as when he was human too. But, to her credit, she rolls with it quickly.

Her smile warms a little.]

Alright. I promise. I guess that would get pretty annoying.

But I don't really know what you'd be thanking me for.